Reviews
"Believing without questioning is like swallowing without tasting. You consume ideas without fully understanding or analyzing them, potentially allowing something harmful or untrue to become part of your worldview."
1. 1-Star Review ⭐
By Sariputta on April 10, 522 B.C.
"Buddhism's teachings are like a house built on sand—slowly sinking and crumbling as the tide of truth washes over them."
4. By Mahāmoggallāna on July 22, 523 B.C.
"Buddhism’s core beliefs are like a rotting tree, collapsing under their own decay and fragility."
3. By Ānanda on October 3, 528 B.C.
Title: "Not as Enlightening as I Hoped – A Former Disciple Speaks!"
⭐☆☆☆☆
As someone who spent decades following this guy around, I think I'm qualified to say: Buddha is a bit of a letdown. Don't get me wrong, the robes are comfy, and the no possessions thing really helps cut down on housework, but the teachings? Eh, not what they're cracked up to be.
For starters, he’s always going on about suffering. "Life is suffering," he says. Okay, great, but can we talk about something else for once? You know, maybe some joy or snacks? Nope, it’s all suffering, suffering, suffering. I thought enlightenment would at least include a decent cheese plate.
Then there's the endless walking. Boy, do we walk! Ever tried walking while meditating? It's like trying to contemplate the meaning of life while stepping in mud for 40 miles. Plus, those sandals? Zero arch support. My feet have attained Nirvana – in the form of blisters.
But the real kicker? The Four Noble Truths. Sounds fancy, right? Wrong. Turns out it's just a guide to becoming a professional monk with no weekends off. And "attachment is bad" – easy for him to say when he's got a whole sangha following him around like a spiritual fan club. You try giving up attachment when mosquitoes won’t leave you alone!
Honestly, after years of following his "Middle Path," I’ve come to realize it’s just code for "let’s keep it boring, guys." I’m not asking for fireworks, but maybe a little excitement? Ever heard of a party, Buddha? Enlightenment could use some jazz.
If you're looking for enlightenment, maybe check out something with a bit more pizzazz – like yoga retreats with free smoothies.
Best wishes,
Ananda
Former Right-Hand Man & Full-Time Sandal Walker
2. 2-Star Review ⭐⭐
“Overhyped ‘Enlightenment’ Package”
By Mahākassapa on August 12, 532 B.C.
"Tried following this guy around for years. Turns out the 'Noble Eightfold Path' is just a fancy way of saying, 'Walk more, talk less.' And let’s be honest, ‘detach from desire’? I desire a full refund on this spiritual journey!" 🤷♂️
Wouldn’t recommend unless you enjoy endless meditation and getting confused by riddles about suffering."
Could use clearer instructions.
5. By Maudgalyāyana
Title: "Supernatural Powers... Wasted on Walking!"
⭐⭐☆☆☆
As someone who's mastered teleportation and mind-reading, I thought following the Buddha would be a next-level experience. Spoiler alert: it wasn't.
First of all, let’s talk about the walking. I can fly, people. FLY. But does the Buddha let me use that skill to get to the next village faster? Nope. We gotta walk everywhere. And it’s always “follow the Middle Path.” Um, Buddha, what if I want to take the high road? Literally. I could be there in seconds! Instead, I’m dragging my enlightened feet through dirt while the guy who could float over rivers insists on taking the scenic route.
And don’t get me started on the meditation marathons. You’d think a guy who unlocked the mysteries of the universe would have a bit more excitement in his schedule, but nope. Just sit, breathe, contemplate your own mind for hours. Seriously, I can summon spirits—can’t we at least have a seance or something?
Then there’s the food. Ever tried alms-bowl stew? Trust me, you’re not missing much. And when we actually get a decent meal? It's still “mindfully eat in silence.” Look, Buddha, I can bend reality, but you’re telling me I can’t even talk about how this rice tastes? C’mon!
Also, the guy talks a lot about suffering, which, okay, I get—life is tough. But he’s never been in my shoes (or lack thereof). Try juggling psychic visions, past-life memories, and levitation and still having to walk in sandals. Now that’s suffering.
All in all, the Buddha's teachings are solid if you're into endless monastic boredom, but if you've got supernatural powers like me, you're just going to end up frustrated. Enlightenment? Sure. Entertainment? Not so much.
Best,
Maudgalyāyana
Teleportation Enthusiast & Supernatural Specialist
6. Title: "A Diet Not Even Monks Should Try..."
⭐☆☆☆☆
Look, I’ve been around the ascetic block, and I’ve seen some weird stuff in my time, but what I witnessed with the Buddha during his "extreme fasting phase"? That was next-level bizarre.
So there I was, minding my own business, when someone whispers, “Did you hear what the Buddha’s up to now? He’s gone full ascetic.” I think, “Okay, maybe just skipping lunch again?” Wrong. Way wrong. Next thing you know, the guy’s eating his own poop and drinking his own urine like it’s the secret to enlightenment.
Listen, I get it—he's trying to conquer desire, but if the desire is to avoid gagging, that’s one challenge I’m failing! Honestly, where’s the spiritual wisdom in that? All it gave him was dehydration and some seriously questionable breath. I mean, there’s mindfulness, and then there’s this—let's just call it... digestive recycling. Not sure it was in the Dharma guidebook.
And the worst part? He was so serious about it! I wanted to say, "Buddha, pal, how about we stick to rice and lentils? Maybe meditate on not turning your body into a compost pile?"
I don’t know who thought poop-eating was the pinnacle of spiritual practice, but I think we can all agree that’s a fast track to feeling crappy. Literally. If this is the road to Nirvana, count me out. I'd rather take a detour.
Sincerely,
Anonymous but Concerned
(Not Interested in a Poop-Based Diet)
7. "False Promises from the Enlightened One: 2,000 Years in the Lower Realms"
Author: Nakulamata, Writing from the Grave
I write this from a place I never thought I would be—2,000 years trapped in the lower realms, separated from my beloved Nakulapitā, despite faithfully following the Buddha's advice on reuniting with him in future lives. It was a comforting thought back then, believing that by nurturing our faith, moral discipline, generosity, and wisdom, we would somehow find each other again. But now, as centuries have passed, that hope has turned into a painful illusion.
1. The Path Was More Difficult Than We Were Led to Believe
The Buddha made it sound so simple: just keep your virtues aligned, and you’ll find each other again in future lives. But what we didn’t realize was how impossible it was to perfectly match each other in faith, moral discipline, generosity, and wisdom across countless lifetimes. In one life, Nakulapitā might have grown wiser while I struggled. In another, I might have been more generous, while he fell short. Keeping these virtues in balance over multiple lives is not just hard—it’s next to impossible.
2. The Blind Turtle of Human Rebirth
We were also reassured that we’d both be reborn into the human realm again, but the Buddha himself admitted how rare that is. The analogy of the blind turtle surfacing to put its head through a yoke floating in the vast ocean paints a grim picture of how unlikely it is to be reborn as a human. If the chances of human rebirth are so slim, how was it reasonable to believe that Nakulapitā and I would be reborn in the same time and place?
3. The Harsh Reality of Karma
Karma is unpredictable and impersonal. We couldn’t choose our rebirth or guarantee that our good deeds would place us together again. Even after years of striving, my karma led me to a lower realm—a place where the weight of past actions has kept me imprisoned. Nakulapitā? I don’t know where he is, or if he even remembers me. The Buddha’s teaching gave us hope, but karma had its own plan.
4. Over 200 Years as a Bug in the Animal Realm
I’ll never forget the darkest period of these 2,000 years—when my karma landed me in the animal realm, as a mere bug, scurrying about in the dirt and filth for over 200 years. Can you imagine what it’s like to spend century after century in such a low, insignificant existence? I had no awareness of my past life or my aspirations for reunion with Nakulapitā. There was only survival, instinct, and suffering. Rebirth into the animal realm was not some fleeting punishment but an existence that dragged on, hopelessly disconnected from the teachings we followed.
How could this experience ever lead me closer to him? How could we possibly align our virtues when I spent centuries as a mindless creature?
5. The Pain of Separation
For two millennia, I’ve longed for a reunion that seems further out of reach with every passing age. In life, the thought of eternal separation was unbearable, but the truth is even worse. Time moves differently in the lower realms, and each moment of waiting, each failed attempt to rise from this place, is a reminder that the promise of reunion was never mine to claim. I wonder now if the Buddha even knew how impossible his words were to fulfill.
6. Was the Buddha Wrong?
Looking back, I wonder: Did the Buddha know how rare it is for couples to be reunited? Did he realize how stacked the odds were against us? Or was it all just a comforting story—a way to give hope to people who, like me, wanted to believe that love could transcend death and karma? Whatever the case, I followed his teachings as best as I could, but here I am, still waiting, still hoping, but with less faith than before.
Final Thoughts
If you are reading this, hoping that you and your loved one will meet again in the next life, I urge you to reconsider. The Buddha’s teachings may have offered peace in life, but in death, the truth of karma and rebirth are far less forgiving. I followed his path and still ended up here—alone, trapped, and with little hope of reunion. Maybe love was never meant to survive the cycle of samsara. Maybe the Buddha’s promises were meant to ease our fears rather than reflect reality.
I write this not in anger, but in sorrow. For 2,000 years I have waited for Nakulapitā, and for 2,000 years I have been disappointed. If reunion in future lives is possible, it is certainly not as easy as we were led to believe.
Sincerely,
Nakulamata, from the grave of unfulfilled promises.